There is a yoga move that I do every now and again in the shower - wait for my explanation before you get weirded out because there's a purpose for it being done in the shower - that is awesome. It's called the Sun Salutation (although I'm not sure how accurate that is because the Sun Salutation yoga move on Wii is totally different). You start out by standing straight and leaning your head slightly back. Then you slowly roll your head forward, towards your chest, letting it tuck slightly. You then roll your shoulders forward and bend down. It kind of feels like you bend one vertebrae at a time, if that makes sense. Once you've bent forward as far as you can go, you hold that pose for a few seconds, then slowly roll yourself back into your starting position. I enjoy doing this under the shower because the water tends to do magic things as you do the move... and that didn't sound dirty at all. What I'm saying is try it...
When I was in high school and in drama we had to do these little skits or something in front of the class. Two people in my class did this skit about a catharsis. Maybe it was about something else; I don't remember. I just know it had a catharsis in it. At the time I had no idea what a catharsis is. I'm actually Googling the word right now because I'm still not 100% sure. Anywho... in this skit they moaned as their catharsis. Now, I know sometimes everyone needs a good moan or a cry or a scream. I think that yoga move I just described is somehow my own form of a catharsis.
Catharsis is a Greek word meaning "cleansing" or "purging." Now I know... doing a yoga move in the shower that I consider to be a catharsis which means "cleansing" or "purging" is really ironic... maybe. I'm still in the dark on what actually is ironic. Alanis Morrisette didn't help either by singing an entire song about irony when nothing in the song was actually ironic. Going back to my point.
I seem to do a lot of big thinking in the shower. I'm sure it starts somewhere outside of the shower but since there's not a lot of things in the shower to distract me I tend to think a good deal more about the things that are bothering me. It tends to get pretty overwhelming and soon becomes one of those moments that I'm glad I live alone because I sometimes get into a major argument with myself or rant and rave and cry over something really pretty dumb.
Tonight's rant came from the fact that I just finished watching "Eat, Pray, Love." Now, I'm sure every other woman in the world had the same reaction I did so I know mine isn't all that unique. And no, I'm not planning on taking off in a week to go travel to random countries hoping to find myself. Although that would be nice...
But really, what am I going to find in another country that I haven't found yet? I'm here, not 4,000 miles away.
I think what bothered me most after watching the movie isn't that I don't know myself or that I'm not happy with myself but that there isn't more in my life that I can find happiness or joy in. And the most bothersome thing of all? I don't seem to mind.
For the past 10 years I've moved just about every year, so of course nothing ever feels permanent. I often get this sense of "I want to go home" but there is no home. Sure, I could go to my parents, but that hasn't felt like home since I was 20. Even my apartment now still feels temporary. My job feels temporary. I'm even starting to believe my life is temporary. And what way is that to live? When does life start feeling permanent? Does it begin when I decide to stay somewhere longer than a year? Does it begin when I find a husband? Does it begin when I get a house? How do you feel permanent in a temporary life?
Wow, that started sounding a little too Carrie Bradshaw... I expect Samantha will be making a sexual innuendo joke any minute now...
One of the things on my list of things to do before I'm 30 is to work on my commitment issues (at least I think that's on my list... I don't even remember now). This is my biggest commitment issue. It's not with men although God knows I never want to stay committed to any of the ones I've met. It's more just being committed to my life. I'm constantly searching for something new rather than focusing on what I have now. You know, the grass is always greener? Your grass is definitely greener.
Maybe I'll never get over this. Maybe I'm going to always be searching for something better and never be satisfied with what I have. Hopefully one day I'll be able to say "hey, this life is pretty darn good" rather than constantly hoping something better will come along.
Although in the mean time, if something better comes along, you know I'm jumping on that boat ASAP.