Thursday, May 26, 2011

Anxiously Awaiting the Sources of My Anxiety

“The source of anxiety lies in the future. If you can keep the future out of mind, you can forget your worries.” - Milan Kundera

We all have them: friends who freak out over seemingly nothing things or worry about events that could happen to them but aren't even on the near horizon of their future. They worry about the possibility of getting mugged on the street when they live in the safest suburbia of America and don't even go "on the street." They flip out over who they could bring as a date to their 10 year high school reunion 3 years after they graduate from high school. They panic about who is going to play the female lead in the screen adaptation of their book (watch your back Selena Gomez...) when they haven't even finished writing the damn thing!

Yes, we all have those friends. And if you're friends with me, hi, I'm that friend.

I just finished reading a blog listing things that make the writer anxious but shouldn't and, after drying my eyes from laughing so hard, it got me thinking about my own anxiety problems. For example: I panic about getting pregnant and what would happen if I did. Could I afford a baby? Would I need to find another job? Would someone hire me if I was pregnant? Do people even take chances on pregnant women? Will I ever meet someone if I'm pregnant? See? It's ridiculous for me to worry about these things because I'm not even having sex. I'm not even in a position to have sex (no pun intended). Maybe instead of focusing on how I'm going to decorate the baby's room (pink and yellow w/ elephants wearing pink bows if a girl, tigers with bowties if a boy...) I should focus on finding someone to have sex with. I mean... date. Date. Yes, date.

Thinking about my anxiety and the ridiculous things I get anxious over really makes me stop and think about why I get so stressed over stupid things like the possibility of getting pregnant or finding a date to a wedding when everyone already knows I'm single. Maybe this is a way of addressing my fears. Yes, I'm scared to get pregnant and as of right now it's probably the worst thing that could happen to me. Yes, I'm slightly afraid that I'm going to always be alone. Yes, I'm petrified that Selena Gomez will be cast in the movie adaptation of my yet to be finished book.

Maybe my anxiety stems from the lack of these things in my life and seeing others achieve or do these things. The anxiety could be a way of living out things that I really want and a way of dealing with them even though they aren't happening at the moment. It's like I'm mentally preparing myself for the worst and freaking out before it happens so when/if it does happen, I'll be prepared to deal with it calmly and rationally.

Or maybe that's all crap. In the words of Dr. Temperance Brennan: I hate psychology.

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